Griffin in a Turtle Neck Sweater

Griffins are fierce creatures, being half lion and half eagle; they are the kings of the fantastical beasts (well besides dragons, but really that's like comparing apples to rocket launchers!).  They are naturally moody creatures; cuddling happily with their pet mountain lion one minute with a blanket on their head and then mere seconds later uprooting entire, mature trees and dropping them on unsuspecting cows, because 'they mooed too much!"  Solitary creatures, when they find a mate, they are inseparable.  Hunting together, they have been known to carry off a fully grown elephant, which they slather with peanut butter and devour hungrily (entire villages have been destroyed by Griffins in their never ending search forcrushed peanut paste.  Nowadays villagers leave entire barrels of it outside of their walls to save on cleanup).

If you ever encounter a Griffin, never look it directly in the eye, or at your feet, or close your eyes, they hate all of that.  Never run from a Griffin, stand still, pee your pants, or climb a tree, as that infuriates them also.  Breathing also annoys them, so if you are good at holding your breath for twenty minutes, that is a good strategy.  Most importantly, never tell a Griffin to calm down, as that will surely be your demise.  In all, the only defense against a Griffin is to cover yourself with cheese, as they are lactose intolerant, but that doesn't mean that they wont kill you, sadly, as they hate the colour orange (mozzarella might work, but, that has yet to be tested successfully).

Lastly, two things that you mustn't ever, ever, do if confronted by a Griffin and they are: whistle happily in the morning, or make them wear a turtle neck sweater!  If you do either of these things, mind your sensitive bits and pieces as you soon will be missing them!  You have been warned!    

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